I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
even my farts smell like vagina
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
