WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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