im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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