I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
