Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
