I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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