ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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