i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
