You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
