Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
