Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
