She tied me up with her honor cords...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
