nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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