can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
