I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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