god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
