Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
