Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
