Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
