He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
