Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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