I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
