Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
