its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
