If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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