I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
