Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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