just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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