NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
