No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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