Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My cat gives me a boner
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
