I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
