You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
