can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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