Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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