smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Dear god my vagina.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
