I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
