You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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