I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
