Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
