I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
