the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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