I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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