I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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