I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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