Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i love accidental penises.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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