You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
