I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Little spoons don't ask big questions
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
