My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
