Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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